Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj