[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
How did we not see this back then?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.