Tastes like chicken.
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
the composer
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan