Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
How to woo a woman
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Unimpressed
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid