tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Yeah. This was me today.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.