[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The sacred texts.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
They also CAN sing✌️
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.