[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?