[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.