tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot