Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I can fix him.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Batman v Dracula
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street