Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill