Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*frowns in Scottish*
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Stonehinge
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.