Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
So the ex texted me
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
i was baptized in a car wash
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”