Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out