When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.