@smiles_and_nods

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

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@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

@FetishBitch

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@Jinxy00

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.