Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Ok, but like, how married are you?

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.