Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
favorite tropes as memes
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Bros before Ohioes
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍