Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
relationship goals
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
