Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”