Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I saw this ending much differently.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no