Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter