Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context