Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Lol.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism