Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
oh you wanna fight?!
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries