taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Kids, do not try this at home!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time