Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.