TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’d hang this in my house.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*