Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did