teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
two people or more is called a problem
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
j o i m p
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.