Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.