Teach your children to beatbox
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands