Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?



Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.


Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks


Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.


Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.


There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.


game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle