Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die