TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Strange
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.