teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
You Might Also Like
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Did…did a minotaur write this
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.