@jonnysun

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

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@DurtMcHurtt

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

@OzKamal

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

@friendly_moon

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

@TheHatStore

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

@DanMentos

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

@IamEveryDayPpl

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@TheAlexNevil

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON