TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Never ghost your hitman.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]