teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The smoothest fall of all time
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.