Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head