TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
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M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
A drum solo but on your face.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti