teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
We like the way Dwight thinks
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.