Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?