TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.