Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
When libraries troll their patrons.
beware of dog
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.