Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*