TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Not today, today.
Not today.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically