Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady