teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Straight people are cancelled
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.