Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
New Tinder profile.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year