teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
i was baptized in a car wash
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.