My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
HER: I’m ending this
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.