Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir