Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Employees must applaud the planets.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The glockness monster
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying