TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me