Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.